Fact: "My heart feels like it's going to explode"

In truth, I haven't felt like I've had a tangible heart in such a while. Today I noticed that every once in a while, I'll place my fingers against my jugular just to keep the beat and find concrete and physical evidence that I biologically exist. I feel like I am physically present, but my mind is lost somewhere in a nameless land far far away.

I have not gotten the rest that I need. I spend my nights pouring myself over text books, even though I have no homework. It's sad no? I feel like I've become an insomniac; I don't even bother retreating into my room until at least 11:30pm nowadays.

I feel so jaded and dis-illusioned. I feel like dropping art altogether. I no longer have the drive nor the passion to even bother with such. As my mentor lectured, my mind left. I just remained sitting in me seat and doodling pointless things upon the margins. The whole time I was just thinking about AP Art the following year. It will be my senior year. Should I really bother? I am no longer pursuing art. But if I don't, I'm throwing away my talent (like everyone says). How could I become a successful artist if I'm constantly losing my drive and myself?

Today I feel like I'm having a brain aneurism. My head is pulsating, and all the Excederin in the world can't seem to fix it. I felt a jolt in my left temple today during religion class. Then it disappeared, and then came back again. It's as if someone is talking a chisel and attempting to carve something into my mind. What would I do if I had one in reality?

In Advanced Drawing today, I likened the thought of school to an extremely subdued verison of Hitler. Intsead of indirectly massacring myself and the student masses, it seems to be erroding my mind and will with its repition. I feel so devoid and empty; I feel like a failure.

The notion of college seems to be constantly torturing me: prancing upon my neck and chest until I gasp, and sitting upon my shoulders until I falter with the overbearing weight. I am dubious at the idea that I will be accepted into college at all; even though I've worked so hard to be in the top 10% since before I could remember. The boy my parents constantly compares me to is now a senior, and has just applied for Yale. I'm sure that he will be ushered onto the campus with the utmost reverence. And what shall become of me? Well, I'll probably end up at some second rate community college that no one has ever heard of.

I feel apathetic and stark of a feeling and emotion. I was faced with an occurence not long ago. Whenever one is faced with such a situation, one inevitably goes on to question their whole being. I abhor this; I feel inadequate. In the beginning, I was apathetic, I agreed and bobbed my head repeatedly in mock understanding so it would be over and done with as fast as possible. Moments later, I would feel melancholy and doleful. And then, after that, I was overcome with wrath. Today, I am apathetic.

I hope to be out of this rut soon.