Fact: I can honestly say that I have not felt this upset in a very long while.

There are a few things that have been bothering me just in the past moment or two. One is a creation made solely for the purpose of having control over people/others in tangible form. The second is people. And the third is a realization that I'm going to be fitted with a horrendous life making minimum wage since I can't do anything.

Number one, from what we shall call it is possibly one of the worst things that ever have come to be. It's something we want, and at the same time, we know that possessing such an item with cause us to tear ourselves apart.

The second is more of one person the the whole classification of 'people'. This person gets my hopes up, and then as from a spur of some bipolar moment, they crash everything is a heap of flames and fire.

And the last and final is simple. [This all in part has an underlying connection with #1] I always wanted a good life you know? Become a successful doctor and such and such etc. etc. But what if it turned out completely the opposite and I spent my life living underneath a pier on the beach because I just wasn't able to catch that dream? Truthfully I would hate to have a life like that, and would honestly rather be dead. Not that I would kill myself, because that's just moronic.

And that's all.

Fact: I have a theory that someone lives inside of Costco

Today was a lazy day since it snowed again. If you all know, Pandus is in D.C for the Inauguration, and he says its quite warm down there. I wish I could say the same for my town. We did the usual and went to church, and then went to Costco on a whim. I bought a fwe books and ran into one of my good friends. We had a good time just fooling around.

Then I went home and watched television as I always do XD.

A few days ago, my mother told me about a model search that a magazine was holding and the winner recieves:

• A trip to NYC
• Feature in a photo spread on ElleGirl.com with a hottie from CBS' Guiding Light
• A 2 year modeling contract with Ikon N.Y. Model Management
• A walk-on role on the Emmy Award-winning Guiding Light on the CBS Television Network
• Exciting on-stage events with Clairol and the opportunity to be considered for a nationwide print campaign
• A photo shoot with world renowned photographer Roberto Ligresti (Americas Next Top Model)
• Full make over, feature and cover with Modern Salon Magazine
• Ma Dame by Jean Paul Gaultier
• Designer Clothing
• A one-year supply of Sobe Life Water

I wanted to enter, but I was nervous that I wasn't tall enough. But one of my friends convinced me otherwise since there was really no height/weight restriction. I recently found out that one of the girls I go to school with is actually a model for Ikon. Ironic no? It figures since she's so tall. And I went on Icon's site and found out they won't even consider you if you're not at least 5'9''. So, I don't really know. I want to, but I don't. So I'm figuring that if I'm like this with everything, then life is just going to pass me by. I've let so many things go by being indescisive. This amazing summer arts program, the chance to go to Paris, etc. etc.

So I should grab life by the horns right?

Lol, or maybe I'd have better luck with Disney XD

Fact: ''Let's take a walk as we glisten in the summer weather; we're on top, now make, make, make it better.."

I don't know what to feel, nor what to say. Am I happy? I'm not sure. Am I sad? I guess so. Am I angry? Hell yes. Do I feel like I should wallow in a hole somewhere and either vanish or die? If you put it that way, then yes, I do. I feel like I cannot remember the simple motion of breathing, and that my stomach has been torn out and thrown to the hungry piranahs to feed. I feel like some one's unraveling me like a knit sweater once you find a loose string and can't resist the calling to tug. There's a lump in my throat, and my mouth is dry.

What should I say when I find my voice to speak? Shall I say, 'I'm sorry'? Or maybe just a smile will do. Maybe this calls for a 'screw you', or a 'congrats, I'm happy for you'. Or shall I go 'I told you sooo' and flash a smile as a repeatedly thrust my index finger into your chest. Or maybe I'll hold up a glass and say 'here's to you'! Or maybe it's best not to say anything at all. Maybe this event calls for me to stand against the wall like a wallflower and pretend like nothing happened, and become obtuse to the world around me.

It's odd such a feeling. The blood rushes to my head and I can feel my shuffle its way into a headache. Goosebumps appear on my arms as a chill speeds its way down my spine. I've been in a foul mood the past few days, feeling like my soul would implode like the dying stars on the History channel, but nothing ever happened. I knew it was bound to happen, but I'm always the last to know, or I never know at all. My eyes tear up, but I'm still debating. Is it worth shedding a few tears? Or should I save them for a rainy day? The feeling rushes forth, and recedes just as quickly, and then it's back again.

All I can do is give a long worthless sigh. I guess I'm just stupid...

Lol, that basically makes NO sense.

Fact: Procrastination is a very bad thing

Fact: Midterms kinda sorta stress me out

I should be studying, but I've decided to update you guys on what's finally going on. I don't even know what I had posted the last time.

I've been trying to find a new layout, but all of the ones I seem to like are broken. [the codes are anyway] Which is kind of upsetting. But I guess I'll stick with this one for now since I still like it.

I should be studying for my midterms, but I just wanted to take a slight break since it's basically all I've been doing Winter break and for the past few days. I'm glad I lucked out alongside half my class and got the first day of exams off. It gives me more time to study, and it'll give me a chance to 'relax'.

One of my friends just recently got a hair cut, and to tell you, the day before when she showed me the picture, I was just so excited for her. Lol, I don't know why, I was even looking forward to going to school the next day just to see how great it looked on her. And it did lookk really good on her, which went on to remind me that I needed to get a haircut soon since my hair grew so long so fast. I was going to get it cut today, but my mom told me not to because we were going to go to New York to celebrate Tet. [Vietnamese New Year, which is basically Chinese New Year, just almost all of Asia celebrates it.] And while we're there, my mom wants to get her hair cut while we're there and she doesn't want to sit alone in the hair studio, so I guess I'll be there with her.

One of my other friends is a really good writer, and is going to Language AP next year. It sounds a lot like a grammar class, but we were told that it was a writing class. I'm really excited for her, she belongs there :]. But to be honest, whenever I read her writing I feel like I should throw mine in the trash because it's just crap compared to hers. Over the summer, I was bored one day and took out our course booklet and wrote out all the class I wanted to take for the next few years, but that's really no use now since I can't find anymore :] . I know I want to take Painting in the fall, and then Creative writing maybe? But I know I won't take sculpture because I was never really intrested in that subject. I don't even remember the rest anymore. lol.

Next year, I guess I'm going to Taiwan and Vietnam with my grandmothers because they want to visit family and such. It'd be nice to see family again, but I'm kind of unsure because I don't know what I'll be doing. I kinda want to just do nothing all summer and relax, but I know I should go because I haven't seen any of them since the sixth grade.

Ugh, something just unsettled me. A client just made an appointment for two girls that I used to go to school with. They weren't the nicest to me and I really don't want to see them. It's just this unnerving feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I guess it's been somewhat of an odd week for me. My mother had eye surgery on Wednesday for her glaucoma, and she's been home since, but she'll be back at work on Monday. There's just a lot going on with midterms and everything, and even gym class unsettled me. Don't you find that odd, that even gym class unsettles me? I wanted to play a game of duck duck goose and not a basketball game. I just hate basketball and it just makes me feel so self-concious and shy. I've even been having teh oddest dreams lately, but I haven't gotten the chance to look up what they mean.

I guess I should get to work.